Clarkson's Failed Farm-Wrestling

It was nothing short of heroic for Jeremy Clarkson to attend the Rich Farmers' Rally this week. Not least, as he had an armful of letters from multiple doctors pleading with him not to participate as it would mean almost certain death. "I just recently had a heart attack," he lied, soon after arriving at the event (a perfect opportunity to raise his profile still further in his incessant marketing campaign for Hawkspiss beer).

Jezza, we know you never had a heart attack or a heart operation (you had a stent fitted). And if you are going to fib like that, be aware we will find the hospital report ruling out a heart attack – or find your previous TikTok post, admitting it wasn't a heart attack.

Anyway. At least he had set the standard for the kind of day we were in for.

At first light last Tuesday, the tractors started rolling into London, every one exempt from road tax – although they can be driven on the road – and also exempted from Congestion Charge and ULEZ (despite their huge emissions). And all of them driven by people who claim they should be getting a better deal than the rest of us (even though they already do). Anyone at King's Cross around the same time would have seen a succession of trains arrive with the first class carriages overflowing with impoverished farmers, complete with Barbour jackets and tweed caps, brandishing their glistening placards.

Not all were farmers, of course. Lord Bamford, a huge Tory donor and arch Brexiter, allowed everyone at JCB to take a day off to attend the rally. Not one of them a farmer, but all of them paid to be there.

That's the NFU's idea of keeping politics out of it. They certainly didn't keep racism out of it because one of the organisers, Clive Bailye, is a card-carrying bigot who has a history of racist posts on social media (even people with disabilities are rubbished for receiving benefits – irony is lost on our Clive).

So not only is Clarkson the self-appointed figurehead of the cause, he must have felt right at home, flanked by Bailye and Farage.

Jezza spent much of the prematch buildup lying to journalists. He insisted that he did not buy his farm to avoid inheritance tax, despite having boasted about doing precisely that for some years. Indeed, he got visibly flustered and angry (watch that ticker, Jez) when it was pointed out to him that in 2021 he told the Sunday Times as much. He wriggled off that hook by biting down on another one. Turns out that the real reason he bought the farm was to shoot pheasant, but thought it might look bad. Jez, it looks bad. We now know you shoot birds, thought that a working farm was the ideal location to do it, that you are a tax avoider, and lie through your back teeth.

Speaking of which, Nigel Farage was also at the rally (who, by sheer coincidence, owns farmland worth £3m). Eight years ago, farmers believed him and voted for Brexit. They lost their subsidies as a result, as well as seamless export markets, and couldn't even make it to the World Cheese Awards in Portugal this week, because they got stuck at customs, failing to clear import controls. The import controls they voted for.

Nigel had the customary bonhomie smirk wiped off his face (always a blessing) by being denied a speaking slot. Having yet another racist on the podium could be seen as over-egging the pudding. So it was down to a couple of photo ops in Nige's favourite stab vest before skulking off to a nearby hostelry.

Out of the rain and into the hall, then, for lots of lovely speeches. Tom Bradshaw (new head of the NFU and more desperate to become a peer than Nadine Dorries) broke down into inconsolable floods of tears, just two minutes into his speech explaining how much money he was going to lose. "There's still a 20% benefit for the wealthy to invest in agricultural land," he said. Yes, Tommy, there is (did you really mean to say that?).

As the public becomes increasingly aware of the facts like that one, whatever support the farmers have will fall away. Facts such as only 500 farms claimed yearly (confirmed by BBC Verify and the Institute of Fiscal Studies, but disputed by the tax-dodgers). Assuming the parents were married (even if one is now deceased) the tax threshold becomes £3 million. And even if there is a tax liability, it is half what everyone else pays and you have ten years (interest-free) in which to pay it.

For example, two hundred grand tax to pay on an inheritance of four million quid. Good luck selling that one as hardship, Jezza. Or that we should all have a whip round and chip in £100m to cover James Dyson's tax bill.

Is Clarkson really the perfect pick to represent farmers? Er, no. After all, he is probably the best example of why the Treasury decided to get rid of the blanket tax exemption in the first place. He has today claimed that he was behind the entire campaign against inheritance tax placed on farming land – a lie of Faragian proportions. The NFU remembers events rather differently – it was even questioned whether they would allow Clarkson a platform at all, as he was considered too toxic.

But sensing the thin ice he was standing on might not support his bulk (no argument from me, there) Jezza proposed an alternative. Leave his tax loophole untouched and simply sack people instead. "Walk into any office. If you don't understand what anyone's job is, fire them." Completely missed the pheasant and shot himself in the foot instead.

I would suggest a different approach. Firstly, set the IHT rate where it should be – 40% – so everyone pays the same. Secondly, if farmers are that worried, just gift the farm to your kids now and stay alive for seven years – no tax at all.

And finally, do what the Dutch did and tax methane emissions. If Clarkson were taxed every time he opened his mouth, he might learn to shut it every once in a while.