Farage Sinks His Teeth in Candy
On one of his rare visits to the UK, Nigel Farage found time to cover himself with baby oil and rub himself up against yet another billionaire. And thus, Reform UK now has a new treasurer – Nick Candy (that's not an imperative for young kleptomaniacs, by the way).
Immediately after his appointment, The Candyman (as he is not at all affectionately known) was on the horn to Elon Musk, although he could not possibly divulge what was discussed. Not the bloody weather, then.
Musk has already been considering tossing $100 million in Farage's direction (both insist that is not the case, which means there's a better-than-even chance it is true). Now that Leon knows elections – and presidents – can be bought, he's developed something of a taste for it. (Trump cried foul when Labour volunteers helped the Democrats. No problem with Musk buying the next UK election, however.)
Musk's success with Trump has obviously rubbed off on The Candyman. He has vowed to give our Nige "seven figures" and ensure Reform has enough money to win the next election.
They say behind every great man is a great woman. Not always true, sadly. The Candyman's better half is the insufferable Holly 'Hollywould' Valance, who makes Giorgia Meloni look like a communist. For those readers unfamiliar with Holly, she had a part in Neighbours many years ago. For those readers unfamiliar with Neighbours, it was an Australian daytime soap for which the BBC paid the princely sum of £1,000 per episode to air.
Hollywould told GB News (fancy that), "Everyone starts off a lefty and then wakes up at some point." Her particular awakening came when she married a billionaire property tycoon.
As a total suck-up to Trump, Vance, Musk and, of course, Farage, she feels it is her political priority to drag the UK out of the ECHR (it is very much the fascists' wont to decide what rights everyone else should not have).
"The trickle-down effect would be a huge step in the right direction," she said with a bright-eyed expression so forced it reminded me of her acting prowess. As it happens, Holly, crumbs off billionaires' tables while they enrich themselves still further, hasn't worked out that well so far.
In fact, I have watched in wonder over the last 50 years the marvel of wealth distribution. The problem is, that it has been distributed in the wrong direction. The 50 richest families in the UK are worth £500 billion (as an aside, Reform has pledged to cut their already low taxes in half).
The Candyman wanting to steal the next election, assuming Musk doesn't beat him to it, is excellent news – for Labour. Labour's key objective, I am told, is to keep the right divided. Farage will hand them that on a plate. The diminutive Huguenot (he's even shorter than Macron) is unlikely to give up all the attention (and grifting) so he can join the Tories and sit on the backbenches.
And Kemi Kaze, who is scheduled to lose the next election in just over four years' time, has still not cottoned on that they suffered the worst defeat in the party's history because everybody hates them. So instead of trying to reclaim the centre ground, she is obsessing about out-Reforming Reform. On a daily basis, she inches to the right. And Farage's response is to move even further to the right. They are like two pigeons on a wire.
What's more, billionaires on the hard right trying to buy the UK election also plays well for Labour, however much the rightwing media wades into them. Quite propitious, actually, positioning Starmer as standing up to the filthy rich who do not contribute their fair share.
It was David Lloyd George who brought about the law forbidding the sale of peerages and honours – although he didn't mean to. In 1922, he was caught selling knighthoods and peerages. He was forced to resign as PM, the Honours (Prevention and Abuses) Act received Royal Ascent in 1925, and it has been illegal to sell peerages or honours ever since.
Not that you'd know it.
One of my favourite examples (there are hundreds to choose from): In March 2020, Boris Johnson intervened to secure a peerage for Evgeny Lebedev, against advice from the House of Lords Appointments Commission, which warned against making Lebedev a lord, citing intelligence from MI5 and MI6 and also because his father was in the KGB. Johnson ignored this. We do not know how much Lebedev paid.
The Cash for Questions scandal broke in 1994, under the John Major government – Tory MPs received bribes from Mohamed Al-Fayed in an attempt to influence policy. And lobbying scandals are more common than cockles on the beach. As recently as this year, Tory MP Scott Benton was caught leaking government information to the benefit of the gambling industry.
But we have moved on from clandestine behind-the-hand manoeuvrings and brown envelopes. Now, billionaires are only too happy to announce to the world that they are going to buy an election.
Donations to parties can be made only by people on the UK electoral register or from UK-registered companies and other organisations such as unions. The likes of Elon Musk and the Candies can easily circumvent that.
So the UK should take a leaf out of Australia's book and limit donations to £20,000 per candidate per year. While you're at it, cap the amount of money they are allowed to earn through 'speaking engagements' to stop donations through the back door (Farage has made six visits to the US, and several to Asia, since the election – more trips than he has made to his constituency).
And when MPs take bribes, prosecute them the same way you or I would be, and throw them out of the Commons.
Meanwhile, if billionaires want to influence the future of the UK, why not start contributing to the Exchequer, hmm?